Everyone seems to be getting an award for something these days. Finish in last place – an award. Show up for work on time – special recognition. OK. Maybe some of these awards do have a modicum of merit to them. But then there are the hidden accomplishments that almost never see the light of day – and deserve to.
So for those people who feel anxious and left out, and you know you are one of them, here are the Rarest Anxiety Awards nomination categories for the Under serving and the Unsuspecting…
1. The Coffee Junkie Award: This award is given to people whose blood type has become PC – Pure Coffee. A rare few doctors have been able to detect a splash of cream and a hint of sugar in a few test cases.
3. I Did My Best Award?: This is an award of sarcasmic qualities, since everyone we know never does their best. It is an illusion. Those truly under high stress levels can never be recognized because they are so zonked out by Xanax that nobody really thinks they do anything.
4. Respond But Never Commit Award: Today returning a phone call deserves an award . It has become an art instead of a routine. The reason is, you have to keep the conversation short enough to avoid answering questions you do not want to answer or have the answers for, while saying just enough to let the other person know you care. Yes, it is far more difficult than it appears to be.
5. Who’s The Stranger Award?: This award is given to people who have overcome the triune paradox: Your mother told you never to talk to strangers, every friend was once a stranger, and no one is stranger than the next stranger you meet.
7. I’ll Do Anything For Fame Award: This award is not given for doing the right thing but for doing anything. It is given to those whose actions prevent ships from sinking, buildings from collapsing, and generally avoids putting people in harms way. Generally, these people will want their 5 minutes of Internet fame.
8. What Matters Award?: Some things that are heard require a minimum of thought, they need to be ignored. Everything else should be ignored. This award goes to those who know the difference.
11. Knows All of Nothing Award: To get this award, the recipient has to master the art of small talk without becoming inane. Synonyms for inane are: foolish, stupid, unintelligent, idiotic, brainless, mindless, witless, imbecilic, doltish; imprudent, foolhardy, mad, scatterbrained, featherbrained, frivolous, giddy, vacuous, immature, childish, puerile, empty-headed, crazy, dotty, scatty, loopy, wingy, ditzy, screwy, thick, thickheaded, birdbrained, pea-brained, dopey, dim, dimwitted, half-witted, dippy, blockheaded, boneheaded, lamebrained, daft, chowderheaded, unwise, imprudent, thoughtless, senseless, mindless, rash, reckless, foolhardy, irresponsible, injudicious, misguided, and irrational. Try it some time.
12. Do You Accept This Credit Card Award?: Holiday shopping and holiday sobbing are often seen like two love birds. It is what makes the holiday season so special – and memorable. Getting this award likely means you will soon forget about the entire holiday season and start looking for a second job.
13. Somebody Cares Award?: For more than a few men, this award is not possible to achieve since many mornings they are found sleeping on the floor – somewhere. For the eligible, it usually means they either have children or a significant other who believes they are more significant than they ought to be.
14. I’m Almost There Award: Recipients of this award generally fall into the category of “often late for work” or “always late for everything else.“
15. This One’s For The Boss Award: This award is for “That” party… the one you either went to despite the fact you knew it was going to sully your reputation, or the one you went to intending to curry favor with the higher-ups. It is a remarkable achievement.
16. My Secrets… I Thought Award?: This is an award of courage, since everyone knows that everything you tell a friend will eventually be made into an Internet video, a Hollywood screenplay, or a best selling novel.
17. Why Did I Say That Award?: Do you sometimes speak up when you should shut up? Similar to the above award, this deserves its own category because you have the opportunity to embarrass yourself publicly, not just privately. They say there is safety in numbers. Do not believe it.
18. Don’t Panic Award: Surviving a panic attack without the use of prescription or other medicants is the key criteria for this award. Let it be known that another major criterion is that some people are simply better at panicking than others, and these people deserve special consideration.
19. Impress My Boss, Teacher Or Friend Award: People who leave early from work, school, or any party before it officially ends, and gets caught more than 7 times during a calendar year are automatically disqualified for this award.
It is possible to receive many of these awards, but virtually impossible to receive all of them. With that in mind, grab all the honors that you can today because tomorrow is an invitation to be disqualified from them all.